I completed an online will in the writing room and went up to the top floor of the police station and climbed onto the roof.

For some reason I've never really shared my issues with work colleagues even though they're some of my best friends. Obviously, as you'll see, people know I've had issues but I'd say only 2 or 3 know to what extent.


I've always struggled with various issues. Depression runs in my one of my parent's family and Tourette's Syndrome in my other's. No one knew of the Tourette's side of the family until my parents fought tooth and nail to have me diagnosed when I was a kid and suddenly little 'isms' in relatives made sense.

I struggled with that growing up, which made me depressed, and I isolated myself a lot. Eventually I grew out of most Tourette's symptoms when I hit mid to late teens but still have the odd facial twitch when I'm nervous (my face is going like the clappers now by the way ha!).



Even though I grew out of all of that the depression never really went away. I had the odd period when I was really down and would self harm in my late teens/early 20s. I joined the police in my early 20s by accident and that gave me some confidence but I'd still get the odd time when I was really down - made worse by the job at times.


In 2013 in my mid 20s, whilst living with my now ex partner the police knocked at the door and he was arrested for theft. This was a massive shock and because we lived together and he had stolen items in our house they went for me too. I understood to an extent as the officers didn't know me - and even if they did it's a valid line of enquiry. 

With my near decade long relationship in tatters and my job hanging in the balance - I found myself extremely depressed. I was on restricted duties - I wasn't suspended - and I managed to stay with my block doing desk-based work thanks to my then-Inspector having faith in me.

I was interviewed voluntarily, thank God, and eventually NFA'ed but PSD were still gunning for me. I was depressed and I did not want to live. I was paranoid as I believed I was being watched by PSD and suffering with the loss of my relationship and the potential loss of my career.


After 6 months of PSD dragging things out I had had enough. I was on nights and completed an online will in the writing room. I went up to the top floor of the police station and climbed out of the window onto the roof. I don't think I knew what I was going to do really.

I felt my phone ringing constantly but I ignored it. I don't know how much longer later my colleague found me. They panicked - which made me panic - which was maybe not their finest tactic haha!

As clichéd as it sounds, I don't know what happened after that.

Oddly enough, days later, I was cleared by PSD.

After that I struggle with more issues than before. I still have periods of depression, I suffer with paranoia which at times can be severe, I sometimes have panic attacks when someone unexpected knocks at the door and I am generally an anxious person.

I still work on patrol and none of the issues really affect me when I'm in work and concentrating - they certainly don't affect my work. Nonetheless I am terrified to tell my colleagues anything of this because I know I would be seen differently. I don't want to be seen as the twitchy, paranoid one who has panic attacks and used to cut himself (which incidentally is quite paranoid).


I hit ten years service this year and not once have my issues affected how I've dealt with an incident. But I don't feel that the job, certainly not my direct command team, would support me if I was completely open and honest about my thoughts and feelings.