I kept telling myself that I needed to "Man Up".

I have been a Police Officer for almost 15 years. Within the 15 years I have conducted a variety of roles, from Neighbourhood, Intelligence, Response and ARV’s.  In this time I have dealt with numerous jobs that have been life threatening to members of the public and me.

I was always the type of Officer who wanted to be first at scene, back up my colleagues and do more than my fair share of the work.

With all the horrendous jobs that I dealt with over the years, the hangings, murders, child deaths, horrific RTC’s, I held a macho kind of attitude, of crack on.  That’s just how it is. I would be weak if I felt anything differently.

Nearly a decade ago, I was on duty, when I was dispatched to a job where I ended up getting injured, cutting my shin to the bone and damaging my hip.  I had some time off and attempted to recover. My confidence was knocked. I returned to frontline, even though my hip continued to be problematic and again I kept telling myself that I needed to “Man Up”.   

The year after this, I attended a job that would change my life forever, in so many ways that I never thought possible.

I paraded on for duty, I was the doubly crewed car, and our first job was to attend a house where the occupant had been placed due to a violent domestic relationship.  The circs of the job were that we had been directed there to speak with the resident as a laptop had been left on the doorstep of the premises.  There was no further information at the time.

On attending the address at around lunch time the occupant was in the garden, weeding. I spoke with her and established that the laptop was that of her ex-husband and that he had left it there. He had not been seen and there was no interaction. We contacted the FCIU and asked if there was any further information, to which we were told that the concern was for the safety of the ex-husband.  The thought was that he was suicidal.  Myself and my colleague had a laugh and a joke with the occupant.  We left the address and the occupant had no concerns.

At 18:05 hours the same day, we were patrolling when the radio transmission came out and it stated that there was a report of a stabbing in progress, at the address that we had attended earlier.  The hairs on my neck stood up and everything slowed down.  I instantly knew that with all the years of previous calls similar to this that were false that this particular one was real.  We made the fastest possible speed that we could to get there.

We land first at scene, I alight the Police vehicle and I rack my baton, something that I had never done previously when attending a job.  The front door was open and everything was silent.  I get to the door first, and enter shouting Police, there was no answer.  I enter the premises, glancing in the lounge as I passed, nobody there.  I continued and approached the kitchen.  The view of the kitchen opened up and as it did I saw blood splatter across the walls and a large pool of blood on the floor.  I got to the door way, and there was a large male crouched down facing away from me over a motionless blood drenched body.

I shouted at the male, who looked over his shoulder straight at me with a blank expression.  He stood up and turned to face me with a large bladed kitchen knife in hand.  Everything seemed to slow down.  I shouted, I screamed at him to put the knife down. He continued to approach and I raised my baton up over my shoulder.  I couldn’t back off, what happens if I did? Would he stab me, would my colleague be next?  I have a two year old at home.  They say it in movies that your life flashes by your eyes.  It’s true.  The thought of my loved ones, the thought of other people who may be next if I backed off.

Two feet away the male placed the knife down on a kitchen unit, then began to reach for his waist band area.  I continued to shout and scream and then I knew I had to take action.  I struck the male as hard as I could while reaching with my left arm to drag him down to the ground with fear that he had further weapons.  When the male was on the ground I continued to strike him with my baton, fearing for my life, until my colleague placed him in handcuffs.  We then dragged him out of the address.  My colleague remained with him.

I returned to the female.  The same female that we had dealt with a matter of hours previously.  She was gasping for air.  She was helpless, covered in blood and defensive injuries.  The females eyes looked at me as if I was the answer to her prayers and as if I could save her.  I commenced first aid and did my best.  55 minutes of chest compressions, without a break while ambo worked tirelessly, doing their best.

Unfortunately she wasn’t saved and it sticks with me, the look of helplessness.  The worry and pain in her eyes as she looked at me for help. 

I then remember being in the A & E resuscitation room when they pronounced life extinct.  So matter of fact, so clinical.  I looked at my hands covered in blood, sweat dripping from my head, shattered after the events.  The head trauma surgeon when telling me that life was pronounced extinct that the attack had been a frenzied attack with some power as the females sternum had been snapped, and that they need a specialist tool to break the sternum in surgery as it is a hardened bone.

I then remember being sat in the enquiry office of a Police station alone. I stared into space.  I have no idea for how long I remained there.  It was until I was told that I needed to do my MG11 and get the file started.

There was no debrief, welfare or concern for either my colleague or myself.  It’s our job, it’s what we do, it’s what we are paid for.  I needed to “Man Up”.

The days, weeks and months passed and I found myself waking up with vivid images of the females eyes, and a voice saying “HELP ME” when I was sleeping.  I woke in hot and cold sweats.  I stayed quiet. 

This was almost every night.  As time went by, it went to every night.  My moods were changing, my attitude was changing.  I struggled with, what did I miss, could I have saved her.  What did I do wrong, pushing family away from me as I felt so bad about the events.  My mood and sleeping were at an all-time low.  I was struggling to function due to being tired.   

Along with the pain I was feeling emotionally I was struggling with my hip.  This resulted in a hip replacement and being told that the Force would be looking to pension me off.  I struggled again to take this on board.  My world was falling apart, emotionally and physically.

Then in 2017 I realised that I was becoming a person that I didn’t want to be.  I was being grumpy distant.  I went to my GP where I felt a release and I broke down.  Everything came flooding out.  I felt broken, yet I couldn’t tell anyone at work as I thought people would laugh, I would be seen as weak. 

I was advised to speak with OHU.  Which I did and after a long convoluted procedure I eventually received EMDR therapy, and continue to do so. 

No counselling, support or help was offered until I decided that I needed help.  Others may feel the same, yet not feel strong enough to get help or seek it.

I would be keen to help you in any way that I can to raise awareness, show people that it isn’t a taboo subject and that you aren’t weak or less of a person should you need help.